Team B vs Fanfic Cliches
by Wepdiggy
Summary: A series of drabbles intended to poke good natured fun at a number of cliches within the Chuck fandom. Hopeully it brings you a smile. Chapter 3 now posted. Time for Chuck to go all macho.
1. The Mission Cliche

_Disclaimer: I don't own __**Chuck**__, and I don't think I'm guilty of all of these clichés, though I'm certain a couple have come out of me before._

_A/N: So this is just something to keep me interested. I'm going to try to do one of these every day for a little while, until I find my writing muse again. Basically, it's a series of drabbles, meant to poke good spirited fun at us, the authors of "Chuck" fan fiction. Let's face it, we've all done the cliché thing from time to time, so why not laugh about it, yeah? I hope this fic doesn't offend anyone, as that's not the intention. And hopefully, everyone can get a laugh or two out of this. I hope you enjoy it, and please leave me a review to let me know what you think. Thanks!

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**Chapter 1: The Mission Cliché**

Sarah held her hand up to halt Chuck's progress. Casey had taken a position at the front of the warehouse, and the dynamic duo of Walkertowski was penetrating from the back (heh).

"What d'ya see?" Chuck asked in a hushed tone.

"Three baddies, fully armed and aware on the ground, cameras up top, and there are no doubt others in the base," she answered.

"Why do you assume that they're baddies? Maybe they have it right, and we're the ones that are misguided?" Chuck asked out of the blue.

"Well, I mean, we have to be in the right, right?" Sarah asked. "I mean, we're the heroes and all."

"Huh, fair enough," Chuck said.

The team had been sent to infiltrate this hive of villainy to track down Shariff Floyd, a known arms dealer, and, well, the plans weren't really spelled out beyond that. Funny how the team sometimes found themselves in such odd situations for the sole purpose of creating action, adventure, drama, and potential angst (should someone be shot).

"Okay, I have another question," Chuck said.

"Shoot."

"So, it seems like we're always going after arms dealers…"

"Yeah?" Sarah answered.

"Well, I mean, doesn't that seem kind of odd? Surely everyone we have an interest in can't be an arms dealer. I mean, how many arms dealers can there be? And honestly, who are they selling to? If everyone's selling, and no one's buying, then I don't think they're really that big of a threat," Chuck mused.

Sarah seemed to contemplate his words for a moment, before speaking. "Weeelll," she drawled. "I guess –"

"Think about it, Sarah. I mean, yeah, the arms dealer thing is better than when we have to go after drug dealers, who which we have no jurisdiction over, and really should leave to the DEA, but still."

"Chuck, it's just –"

"Although, if we're questioning jurisdiction, then I guess _you_ really have no business doing anything, being a CIA agent, and only being cleared for missions abroad, I guess."

"Chuck!" Sarah finally spoke up harshly. "It's really best if you don't think about it. Makes things work out better, really. And my jurisdiction is above question, anyway. That's based on canon."

"Based on what now?"

"You know, source material that all of these silly stories are based on," she answered with a shrug.

"You mean 'the source material upon which all these silly stories are based'?"

"Grammar Nazi," Sarah huffed.

"Hey! You're one to call someone a Nazi, what with the blonde hair, blue eyes, and the German car," Chuck said defensively.

"Fair enough," Sarah answered. "But I'm Slavic, not German. The Nazis had no real love for us, either, as I remember it."

"Huh, I guess that's true. So, what do we do now?"

"Well, this story isn't listed as angst, or drama. And there's no character death warning, so I'm thinking we go in guns blazing. Obviously, we'll come out on top," she said.

"Sounds like a plan," Chuck answered.

"It's show time," Sarah said, as she charged from behind her cover.

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_A/N: You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	2. The Jellie Cliche

_A/N: Okay, so I'm sorry for the wait on this. Hah, honestly, I hadn't even thought about this fic until __**Verkisto**__ said something to me about it in a review reply. But I'll try to do better, honest. And I'm actually starting to get some good ideas, not just for this fic, but for Chuck fic in general. Maybe my outlook on season 3 is changing for the better. Sad that the show is looking to be in so much danger now that I'm not as mad anymore, but I guess those are the breaks. Anyway, hope you enjoy this, and please review. Thanks!

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**Chapter 2: The Jellie Cliché**

Ellie stood in the archway to her kitchen. She looked at her husband sitting on the sofa. She then peered out the window, longingly staring at her neighbor John Casey standing in the courtyard talking to Chuck. She looked back at her husband. Back at Casey. Back at her husband. Back at Casey.

Well, there was just nothing for it. She'd tried switching Devon's girly body wash to Old Spice, but it just didn't make him John Casey, no matter how he smelled.

There was no other solution to the problem. She had to end things with Devon.

"I can't believe you cheated on me!" she thundered.

"I'm sorry, um, what?" Devon asked confused.

"You slept with that nurse you're always working with, and I know it!" Ellie shouted.

"I – _what_?"

"Oh yeah, I'm on to your game, Devon, and if you think I'm going to sit around while you screw around with, well, whatever her name is –"

"Her name's Gertrude, and she's 48 years old, though she could pass for mid-50's if she wanted. I wouldn't fuck her with Morgan's dick."

"I don't care!" Ellie exclaimed. "It doesn't matter. I need a reason to be with John Casey, because despite the fact that I think he's a lowly retail jockey, I find him irresistible. That's right, you heard me. I, Ellie Bartowski, don't care about what John does for a living, making me different than every other sane woman on Earth."

"I just don't see where this is coming from," Devon stated sadly.

"Well, neither do I frankly," Ellie admitted. "I mean, just because he was Jayne Cobb, I'm supposed to fall into his arms? But that's why I don't write these things."

"Fair enough," Devon said. "But are you really going to date someone that works at the Buy More?"

"Well, I'm sure that once John and I are together, he will get a brand new cover… er… job working with my brother at some nondescript technology firm that Chuck starts."

"And will Sarah be joining them in this venture?" Devon asked.

"What an odd question," Ellie said. "Although, I'm sure she'll either work _with_ them, or she'll work nearby. But she'll probably never say anything that important, and her role will be greatly minimized to either taking up for John and I being together when Chuck inevitably gets pissed off, being a prop so that John can give Chuck relationship advice, or assisting John on his missions. Work! I meant work."

"So you don't even want to talk about this? See if we can work out our marital problems that have seemingly arisen out of the blue?" Devon asked.

"Well, honestly I would Devon, but I just looked out the window again, and John's on a horse. Johnny Bench called."

And sure enough, as Ellie walked out the door to their apartment, John Casey _was_ on a horse. His button down shirt was partially open, and his chest glistened in the sunlight. He extended his hand to Ellie like a god reaching down from the heavens, and pulled her up to sit behind him on his trusty steed. Together, they rode off into the sunset.

When they returned, Devon had packed his stuff, and was gone, though they both thought that it was possible that he _could_ return, if the writer decided they wanted to up the Jellie angst factor just a bit.

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Meanwhile, below the Orange Orange, Sarah was emerging from the armory holding an impressive looking shovel. She'd almost made it back out of Castle when Chuck entered.

"Shit," Sarah grumbled.

"What's going on here?" Chuck whined.

"Well, I have a super secret mission, and you're not privy to knowing, quite frankly," she explained.

"You need a shovel for a mission?" Chuck asked.

"It's a 'pooper-scooper', and that's pretty much the long and short of it, Chuck."

"So your new mission is to go shovel shit?" Chuck asked.

"Isn't that what I just – what part of this are you not getting?" Sarah asked, clearly annoyed.

"Okay, I think I see what's going on here," he said.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do. And in the interest of saving time, why don't we skip ahead in the story. Here, I'll summarize what would've happened. You deny involvement in something to do with Casey. I whine that you're keeping me out of the loop. Eventually, either you screw up, or some crazy circumstance leads to me finding the truth. I whine some more. You explain to me that I have no right to know because I'm more or less just a tool to be used by you and Casey. I accept inexplicably accept your explanation. Then we move on," Chuck rattled off.

"Sounds good to me," Sarah said. "I wasn't looking forward to all that crap anyway. So, basically I have to go clean up behind Casey's horse as he and Ellie ride off into the sunset."

"Ack!" Chuck choked out. "Casey is doing my sister?"

"Of course he is. It's a Jellie fic," Sarah said shrugging.

"Oh, one of those things," Chuck grumbled. A beat. "Sarah, are we together?"

"Huh? Of course we're together, Chuck. We're both in Castle," Sarah said.

"No, I mean, are you and I involved in a relationship? Because I'm never clear about that in these stories."

Sarah's forehead creased as she seemed to contemplate his question. "You know, I'm not really sure, Chuck. That point is always left so vague. In fact, it's left pretty vague in most stories in which Casey has a love interest, Ellie or otherwise."

"Well, unless it's Chasey slash, or the relatively rare Sarah/Casey fic," Chuck pointed out.

"That's true," Sarah admitted. "But to answer your question, I'd have to say that, yes, we're together, but we apparently have the most neutered relationship in the history of the world. Either that, or we're _very_ private about our sex lives."

"Yeah, I guess that pretty much sums it up." Chuck paused. "So, wanna have sex?"

"Chuck!" Sarah reprimanded. "What are you doing? We can't even talk about sex between us unless it involved Casey giving you advice, or commenting that I need to get laid!"

"You're right, of course. My bad."

"Just don't let it happen again," Sarah said. "So, you want to come help me clean up horse manure, thus going ahead and getting the awkward part where you 'discover' your sister's relationship with Casey out of the way?"

"Yeah, I think I can swing that," Chuck said. "As long as they're not having sex."

"Pffft," Sarah laughed. "It's a Jellie fic. What are the odds they're _not_ having sex?"

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_A/N: So, did I get all of them? Because I really tried. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	3. The Tough Guy Chuck Cliche

_A/N: Okay, I got a little carried away with the last chapter, as these are supposed to be drabbles, but I'm glad that everyone enjoyed it. This chapter is, well, I'm not super impressed with it, but I think I make my point. My only big complaint is, I really didn't see a good place to stop, so it ends a bit abruptly, but then, that's often the case with these stories. And hey, this is more supposed to be a representation of those fics, so it kind of works. Just pretend this is the end of a chapter, and you'll feel right at home if you've read many of the fics in question. Anyway, I hope you dig this one, and please review. Thanks!

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**Chapter 3: The Tough Guy Chuck Cliché**

Chuck flicked his cigarette out as he walked through the doors to the Orange Orange, and began his descent into Castle. Irrelevantly he thought to himself that at some point, it might be a good idea to change the name of Castle. Maybe _Fortress, _or _Temple_. Oh! Maybe Temple of Doom! Then he scolded himself for actually being nerdy. That was really a habit he had to break.

As he walked down the stairs to the secret CIA lair, he found Sarah and Colonel (or Major… sometimes people forget) Casey sitting around the table, filing mission reports.

"Hi Chuck," Sarah said brightly as she looked up. Then, taking in his changed appearance – the leather pants, riding boots, and a t-shirt that proclaimed him a "Bad Mother Fucker" – her forehead wrinkled in confusion. "Um, Chuck, is it costume day at the Buy More?"

"What!?" Chuck asked, clearly affronted. "Shut your hole, bitch. I don't need any shit from you, Agent Walker."

Casey glared at the nerd. "Bartowski, what's your malfunction today?"

"I don't want to hear your mouth either, Colonel, or Major, or John, or whatever the hell I'm calling you today," Chuck huffed. "Now, I'm going to get an Intersect update, then I'm going to need a private meeting with Beckman."

"Intersect update?" Sarah asked confused. "Chuck, that's happened like once. Why would you be asking for another?"

Chuck sighed. "Are you not paying attention? This is one of those stories in which I'm ridiculously macho, I carry a gun, I shoot tons of people, the Intersect has features that are never even hinted at in canon, I sleep with at _least_ two women, and –"

"Oh, I know this one!" Casey piped up. "You send Walker away, and she pines over you. Then she comes back, and you two make like horny teenagers. You have a dozen or so ridiculous fights per chapter, and your personalities shift like the tectonic plates of the San Andreas Fault."

"That pretty much sums it up, John," Chuck said. Then clapping his hands together, "Now, I need to go get that update, send Walker away, get shot, leave the Buy More, start a torrid affair with an original character, become best buds with Beckman – although that one will change depending on the chapter, bring Sarah back, get shot again, yell at Sarah, have sex with Sarah, yell at Sarah, have sex with Sarah… Well, you get the idea."

Sarah's shoulders slumped in resignation. "So, I guess I better go get ready to fuck Bryce for a few months, all the while being bitter that I'm not with my team and my man anymore."

"One question, Chuck," Casey said. "Am I your best friend in this, or am I a douche? That tends to be the only thing that really varies in these fics."

Chuck thought on it for a moment. "Well, I guess we'll play it by ear," he finally answered. "I mean, either way, you won't really be yourself, and these stories are really all about the Chuck/Sarah angst anyway."

"Fair enough," Casey said with a grunt.

"Good, then let's get started," Chuck said. "Sarah! You cold bitch! How can you keep rejecting me!? I love you. No, I hate you. No, wait, I love you."

Sarah released a resigned sigh. "Oh Chuck," she said unenthusiastically. "I love you so much, which is why I must go away, but of course you either doubt my sentiments, or you didn't hear them."

General Beckman's face appeared on the monitor in front of them, an uncharacteristically large grin on her face. "I see everything is shaping up nicely," she observed.

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_A/N: See, it kind of works better if you picture it as the end of a chapter and not a story. Anyway, hope it was to your liking, and I look forward to your feedback. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


	4. The Kid Spy Cliche

_A/N: OK, first of all, I don't normally dedicate chapters, but this one goes out to __**crystal(dot)elements**__, for reminding me of this fic, and for requesting that I continue it. This chapter is based on something that annoys me. Heh. What else is new, right? But seriously, I always get a little put off when there's a spy that can't legally drink, vote, or God forbid even drive yet. I understand we have to suspend our disbelief for even the premise of canon to work, but I draw my line before kid-spies. Now for those of you that write such stories, well, more power to you. It's just not my thing, so I do what I do with everything I don't understand. I mock it. Enjoy, and please review!_

_Oh, and one other thing. I'm working on the next chapter of College Years, for those interested. It's just, I started a new job this week, and I got caught up doing prompts over at the Chuck Kink meme on Livejournal (something you should all check out!), and it's just, well, it's coming along, but it may be a couple of days late. Anyway, that's all. On to the chapter!_

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**Chapter 4: The Kid Spy Cliché**

"Waaaaaa!"

The wailing took Chuck by surprise as he walked down the stairs to Castle. It didn't sound like Sarah. She always sobbed silently, and usually conveniently alone, when he couldn't see her. Or sometimes, he could see tears in her deep blue pools, er, eyes while they had an emotional talk about something. But she never cried out in front of people, and certainly not that loud.

And it wasn't Casey, because Casey didn't cry at all. Except for a couple of instances, many of which ended in Casey getting to have sex with one or both other members of Team Bartowski. Chuck really didn't care to think about _that_. Those fics were the worst.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, the question as to whom the cry belonged was answered. Sitting on the conference table was a baby carrier, holding a real life baby. Wait. What the deuce? A baby? In _Castle_?

"Hey there, little guy," Chuck said in a soft voice. It really was a cute baby. "Who'sa pretty boy?" he asked, lapsing into baby-talk. Then noticing the pink hair bow: "Sorry, I mean who'sa pretty girl?"

So focused was Chuck on the infant, that he didn't notice the monitor in front of him crackle to life.

"Ah, Mr. Bartowski. I see you've met the new addition to the team," said Beckman, her voice as commanding as ever.

"I'm sorry, what?" Chuck said, tearing his eyes away from the child. "New addition to the team? You mean, like a prop? Are Sarah and I going undercover again?"

"I don't mean a prop, Bartowski!" Beckman boomed. "You are looking at a four-star general in the United States Army, and a veteran spy. After her prenatal training, under the best trainers we have, she's completed more successful solo-missions than any one operative in the world. She's my superior, which makes her your superior, and you will respect her as such!"

"This is all an elaborate joke, right?" Sarah asked, emerging from a back room.

"I'm afraid not, Agent Walker," Beckman answered. "While on assignment, you will refer to her as Agent Johnson instead of her military rank, but rest assured that General Mary Sue Johnson is indeed your new boss."

"Waaaaa!"

"What's that, Agent Johnson?" Sarah asked. "You want your ba-ba? General Beckman, do we have a bottle for her?"

"Agent Johnson only breast feeds, Agent Walker," Beckman answered.

"Huh, so I guess that's why she's staring at my chest," Sarah mused. She then turned back to Agent Johnson. "I'm sorry, boss. I don't produce milk. We'll have to come up with another way."

"That's why she's here," Beckman said, calling the attention of the room back to the monitor. "Her mother has been kidnapped, and we need to find her so that Agent Johnson can feed."

"And that is your personal mission, Agent Walker," Beckman said. "You will be undergoing intensive therapy to induce lactation so that you can play wet nurse to Agent Johnson until her mother can be found."

"And what is my mission, general?" Chuck asked.

"Waaaaaa!"

"Oh, I'm taking my orders from you?" Chuck asked.

"Waaaaa!"

"You're what! You're my long lost sister! And my mother, Mary Elizabeth Bartowski is your mother?"

"Waaaaa!"

"We're going to find her together, because we're secretly brother and sister?"

"Waaaaaa!"

"You're going to seduce the man that's responsible for kidnapping her? But, and no offense intended Agent Johnson –"

"Waaa!"

"Of course, I'll call you Mary Sue, sis. But as I was saying, you're just a child."

"Waaaa!"

"No, I'm not doubting your knowledge of the mark. I'm sure he is really into having sex with infants, and that your job, while difficult and soul robbing, will easily be within your wheelhouse. It's just, I don't want to put you at risk," Chuck said.

"Ow, sonofabitch!" Sarah yelled. "This breast pump hurts like you wouldn't believe."

"What the hell is going on down here!" came a deep masculine voice from the top of the stairs.

"Waaaaaaa!"

"Oh my god! It's the Phantom!" Casey shouted, looking like he'd seen a ghost.

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_A/N: That's all for now. I may have gotten a bit off track once or twice, haha, but I think I got my basic point across, and it is what it is at this point. Hope you enjoyed it, __**crystal**__, and everyone else. You guys are awesome. Peace. _


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